San Antonio, TX

Remember the Alamo!

This is an old joke but it is true. The Alamo area still consists of about 200 white people surrounded by thousands of Mexicans.

Other than that, there is not much to San Antonio other than a man-made riverwalk shopping area, rude homeless people and, drum roll please, an animatronic Davey Crockett!

In case you did not know, the Alamo was a mission used by the Mexican Army to control the Texas territory. This was a time when, in a strange twist of irony, the Americans were considered the illegal immigrants -- in Mexico. Rather than establish themselves by roofing and cutting people’s lawns, the American rebels took over the Alamo. This really ticked off the Mexican dictator, General Santa Anna, who called himself the Napolean of the West. I guess this was because he was short and crazy. So in February 1836, Santa Anna decided to bring over 6,000 troops to attack the Alamo to make a statement that he would not tolerate such uprisings. The 200 American defenders held their ground, using slogans like “Victory or death”. A local beer company would like you to believe they had other slogans, too.

This group included Jim Bowie, the knife guy, and Davey Crockett, king of the wild frontier. The Americans stood their ground but were obviously overwhelmed. Their heroic legacy is known worldwide as taking the ultimate sacrifice for freedom and eventually led to the Texas Revolution a few months later.

Now to the rude homeless people. They are ridiculous. The first night I was in the city, I saw a homeless lady reading a newspaper. I thought you were supposed to use newspapers for blankets. I also thought that if you can read a newspaper, maybe you should find a job.

And everyone is asking for spare change. One time, while talking to a friend on my cell phone, a guy interrupts me with, “scuse me. Scuse me. Do you have a nickel?” A nickel? I told him, “All I’ve got is a quarter. Do you have change?”

On a serious note, the Rivercenter Comedy Club was a lot of fun even though they decorate for Christmas like they have seen a real Christmas Tree.

It was nice that the Notre Dame Alumni Club came to the show, too. Here I am with comedian J.R. Brow and the club members.

Humvee with Environmental License Plates!

This is pretty amazing. Someone emailed this picture they took of a Humvee that actually had environmental license plates! How big of a hypocrite is this? In case you would like to hear my joke about this exact thing, check out my video here.

Bear's Place

Ah, Bear’s Place in Bloomington, IN. This is such a fun room because the IU college kids make a great crowd. I performed with Mark Klein who is another clean comedian that has been doing stand-up for a long time. The campus was buzzing more than usual because they had just won the Old Oaken Bucket Football Game, beating rival Purdue 27-24, assuring them their bowl game since 1993.

INtake Weekly Feature Article

INtake Weekly did a feature article on me today. I even got to go to the Indianapolis Star offices and stand on some cubicles for a photo shoot. Here are some of the pictures taken by Danese Kenon (The Indianapolis Star).

Open-mic Heckler

The open-mic shows are never intended to be really good shows. They are used by comedians to get more experience or try new material. One of my biggest pet peeves is when some ignorant moron decides to heckle a comedian, especially during an open-mic.

That is exactly what happened tonight.

The crowd consisted of about 70 people, most of which were there to see a guy going up for the first time. They were not really interested in anyone else that came up so the show suffered. Right before I was about to go on, a guy (ends up his name is Tony) in the audience decides to heckle a newer comedian. He tells the kid that he sucks and calls him a coward for not wanting to engage in a verbal battle. The comedian then introduces me and it couldn’t have played out any better.

I ask Tony what his problem is and why he would ever heckle, let alone at an open-mic. Tony then tells me that he could show me how comedy should really be done. So I called him out and brought him to the stage. I then proceeded to sit in the front row and heckle him to no end. I was absolutely ruthless, not letting him get a complete sentence out of his mouth without yelling "You suck!" or "That was hilarious!" or "Nice try!". It was made easier by the fact that he was wearing a sweater that looked like something Bill Cosby wore in 1987.

The best part was when Tony told me that he can be funny about anything and asked me for a topic. Naturally, I picked something not funny at all – abortion. I jumped all over Tony for not being funny before finally getting back on stage and explaining to him that he had no punchlines and should never heckle anyone, especially at an open-mic.

I doubt that he learned his lesson but it was an amazing feeling to take out a heckler by putting him on stage and watch him go down in flames.

San Fracisco Trip

After doing a show at Gold Country Casino in Oroville, CA, I was able to stop at In-N-Out, the greatest fast food restaurant in the country.

Then I took a few days to visit my brother in Berkeley, CA. He is on the Cal football staff so I was able to watch them prepare for their game that weekend against usc. It was pretty easy for me to be excited about this game because I really don’t like usc.

The highlight of the game was watching the Cal student section “card stunts”, where, during halftime, each member of the student section holds up a colored panel to make a patterned design. My favorite one was when the student section spelled out usc and then slowly changed the “s” to a dollar sign. Classic.

After the game, I was invited to go to a reception in the Cal Athletics Hall of Fame. Adam Duritz, lead singer for Counting Crows, was there since he is a Cal alum and famous, so he gets what he wants on campus. The other cool thing in the Hall of Fame was the trombone smashed during “The Play” (video). As a former trombone player in the Notre Dame Marching Band, this was genuinely cool to see.

While I was in Berkeley, a container ship struck a support for the Bay Bridge and spilled 58,000 gallons of oil into the San Francisco Bay. Anyone driving near the Bay received a warning to stay away from the water. I thought it was interesting that they had to define ingest for those that were tempted to drink black water with “toxic goo”. Yes, that is what they were officially calling it.


I guess I should finish on a positive note, so here is something that everyone should do once in their life: walk the Golden Gate Bridge during sunset. It was a little cold but what an amazing view.

The Bob & Tom Radio Show (again)

I made another appearance on The Bob & Tom Show this morning with comedian Tim Wilson. Tim plays the guitar and his songs take up a lot of time, so I wasn’t able to get in too many jokes. I decided to go with quality over quantity, so what I did say was funny. My new favorite joke about EZ Girls seemed to get a really good laugh.

Wabash College

If you have never seen a comedy show in a chapel, then you weren't at Wabash College tonight where I performed with Tim Cavanaugh. Wabash is a small, all-male, liberal arts college in Indiana. Thank goodness it was Parents' Weekend to try to level out the testosterone levels. There was still plenty of stomping, which is expected when a bunch of guys get together. Everyone seemed to like my act except for maybe the backup punter. He didn't like being compared to flag girls in a marching band.

Washington, DC

Visiting Washington, DC is fun and frustrating at the same time. There are so many things to do that you will never get bored but there never seems to be enough time to cover it all.

If you think going the airport is creepy due to the security issues, maybe Washington, DC isn’t for you. The entire city is on lockdown, which makes sense after you think about it. It is the Capitol after all. There are police cars on every other corner with plenty of cops floating around. Don’t confuse them with the homeless crackheads that are also everywhere.

When visiting Washington, DC, make sure your digital camera is fully charged and you have comfortable shoes. It is impossible not to walk around that city without taking pictures at every block you come to. There are so many landmarks and historical buildings, my brain hurt from learning so much.

Here are a few fun facts:

- The Library of Congress was originally burned by the British so Thomas Jefferson sold the US Government his personal library for $24,000. Way to stick it to the man, Thomas.

- When it was built in 1884, the Washington Monument was the tallest building in the world. It is made entirely of stone and at 555 feet, is only 75 feet shorter than the Gateway Arch. The monument is shaped like an Egyptian obelisk, which means big phallic structure that is sure to make every man insecure.

- The National Portrait Gallery’s 3rd Floor is the Great Hall. At one time, this was the largest room in America and was the site of Abraham Lincoln’s 2nd Inaugural Ball. The gallery also houses the American President portraits. The George Washington artist is about 200 years late but this is the image used for the dollar bill.

- Abraham Lincoln died in a boarding house on April 15th. Word is that he didn’t have to mail in his taxes that year.

- You can actually buy Confederate money at The Lincoln Memorial. This only confuses people from the South because they think it is some sort of a currency exchange program for “Yankee money”.

- The White House did not get its name because all the US Presidents have been Caucasian. In order to cover up the burning the British had done, the natives whitewashed the building so it wouldn’t be called The Black House. Somebody get Jesse Jackson on the phone.

DC Improv Comedy Club

I am performing at The DC Improv with Jake Johannsen and Chris White this week. It is a great club and the crowds have been fantastic. My college friend Jim and his friend Chris came to the show tonight. Jim is a pretty funny guy so I felt a little extra pressure since he was there. Luckily the show went really well so he continues to be one of my biggest fans.

(Chris, me and Jim)