Bob & Tom Radio Show again

I was a guest on the nationally-syndicated Bob & Tom Show for three hours this morning. It was nice being the only guest on the show but it also meant I had to be ready at all times.

Tom continues to give me a hard time about being a single accountant. Even though it is radio and most people do not actually see me, I wore the shirt and tie combination to really bring my character to life. It seemed to go over well and I appreciated all the emails I got from listeners.

Syracuse, NY

I spent last weekend in Syracuse, NY at Wise Guys Comedy Club. The crowds were a lot of fun when they finally got over their inferiority complex about Syracuse. I understand your city gets made fun of a lot but that doesn't mean you shouldn't laugh at a good TransAm joke. Gomez, a local radio DJ, emceed some shows. He had a joke that referred to a lacrosse stick. Only in Syracuse.

When I visited the gigantic mall, I noticed that there were a fair of guys that looked like the construction worker in Happy Gilmore.

I asked someone at the comedy club if the mall is where the goofy looking people hang out. The exact response, "No. Central New York is where the goofy looking people hang out". Well that explains a lot.

There was a lady at one show who took a ton of pictures. She even has a blog about the show. My favorite part of the blog is how she thinks she was picked on because she was sitting close to the stage, not because she was taking hundreds of flash pictures during the show.

It was also fun doing radio with headliner Sheila Kay on Movin100.3. They were a great morning show that helped plug my entry in the TurboTax contest.

Appleton, WI

If you have never seen snow, then go to Appleton right now. It snowed 8 inches when I was there and another 12 inches the day I left. Unbelievable. It has snowed so much there that they actually ran out of salt to put on the roads!

My favorite thing about Appleton continues to be the fact that they have parking meters in their public library parking lot. Free parking is everywhere near the bars. That's right, you have to pay to learn but not to drink.

The shows at Skyline Comedy Cafe were a lot of fun. I really appreciate everyone coming out in such harsh weather.

Clinton County Comedy Tour

The Clinton County Comedy Tour with John Garrett had another successful run this weekend. Highland even welcomed the shows. I realize this isn't Clinton County, but I thought they really needed a laugh. Headliner Mario DiGiorgio was a huge success, so I am happy my good friend was able to book these shows.

I always write a unique Top 10 for each tour. For those that do not know, the State of Illinois recently passed a ban on smoking in bars. While this may seem bad for some of you, think about what could have been banned.

Top 10 Items That Could Have Been Banned
From Clinton County Bars
written by John Garrett (JohnGcomedy.com)

10. Camouflage because this means less people in a bar smelling like deer piss.

9. Cowboy hats because your horse isn't parked out front, Partner.

8. Can Coolies – especially wedding ones because there's no need to show off that you were at Randy's wedding. Odds are everyone else was there, too.

7. Chewing tobacco because no one wants to accidentally drink your spit can.

6. Babies because they don't need a drink until they learn to walk.

5. Middle-aged Ladies' Night Out because falling down while dancing to Baby Got Back is embarrassing. I don't like big butts and I don't lie.

4. Cover Bands because the only difference between you and a DJ is a DJ knows more songs.

3. County League Softball Jerseys – both Men's and Women's because either way, it's less testosterone.

2. Comedy because these Top 10's really get people riled up.

and the number one item that could have been banned...

1. Anything Mater Dei because, well, do we really need a reason?

Where's Al Gore now?

I am in Sioux Falls, SD and it is absolutely freezing. In the time of non-stop propoganda about global warming, it is even more hard to believe when the temperature outside is -5 and feels like -24.

This is ridiculous.

San Antonio, TX

Remember the Alamo!

This is an old joke but it is true. The Alamo area still consists of about 200 white people surrounded by thousands of Mexicans.

Other than that, there is not much to San Antonio other than a man-made riverwalk shopping area, rude homeless people and, drum roll please, an animatronic Davey Crockett!

In case you did not know, the Alamo was a mission used by the Mexican Army to control the Texas territory. This was a time when, in a strange twist of irony, the Americans were considered the illegal immigrants -- in Mexico. Rather than establish themselves by roofing and cutting people’s lawns, the American rebels took over the Alamo. This really ticked off the Mexican dictator, General Santa Anna, who called himself the Napolean of the West. I guess this was because he was short and crazy. So in February 1836, Santa Anna decided to bring over 6,000 troops to attack the Alamo to make a statement that he would not tolerate such uprisings. The 200 American defenders held their ground, using slogans like “Victory or death”. A local beer company would like you to believe they had other slogans, too.

This group included Jim Bowie, the knife guy, and Davey Crockett, king of the wild frontier. The Americans stood their ground but were obviously overwhelmed. Their heroic legacy is known worldwide as taking the ultimate sacrifice for freedom and eventually led to the Texas Revolution a few months later.

Now to the rude homeless people. They are ridiculous. The first night I was in the city, I saw a homeless lady reading a newspaper. I thought you were supposed to use newspapers for blankets. I also thought that if you can read a newspaper, maybe you should find a job.

And everyone is asking for spare change. One time, while talking to a friend on my cell phone, a guy interrupts me with, “scuse me. Scuse me. Do you have a nickel?” A nickel? I told him, “All I’ve got is a quarter. Do you have change?”

On a serious note, the Rivercenter Comedy Club was a lot of fun even though they decorate for Christmas like they have seen a real Christmas Tree.

It was nice that the Notre Dame Alumni Club came to the show, too. Here I am with comedian J.R. Brow and the club members.

Humvee with Environmental License Plates!

This is pretty amazing. Someone emailed this picture they took of a Humvee that actually had environmental license plates! How big of a hypocrite is this? In case you would like to hear my joke about this exact thing, check out my video here.

Bear's Place

Ah, Bear’s Place in Bloomington, IN. This is such a fun room because the IU college kids make a great crowd. I performed with Mark Klein who is another clean comedian that has been doing stand-up for a long time. The campus was buzzing more than usual because they had just won the Old Oaken Bucket Football Game, beating rival Purdue 27-24, assuring them their bowl game since 1993.

INtake Weekly Feature Article

INtake Weekly did a feature article on me today. I even got to go to the Indianapolis Star offices and stand on some cubicles for a photo shoot. Here are some of the pictures taken by Danese Kenon (The Indianapolis Star).

Open-mic Heckler

The open-mic shows are never intended to be really good shows. They are used by comedians to get more experience or try new material. One of my biggest pet peeves is when some ignorant moron decides to heckle a comedian, especially during an open-mic.

That is exactly what happened tonight.

The crowd consisted of about 70 people, most of which were there to see a guy going up for the first time. They were not really interested in anyone else that came up so the show suffered. Right before I was about to go on, a guy (ends up his name is Tony) in the audience decides to heckle a newer comedian. He tells the kid that he sucks and calls him a coward for not wanting to engage in a verbal battle. The comedian then introduces me and it couldn’t have played out any better.

I ask Tony what his problem is and why he would ever heckle, let alone at an open-mic. Tony then tells me that he could show me how comedy should really be done. So I called him out and brought him to the stage. I then proceeded to sit in the front row and heckle him to no end. I was absolutely ruthless, not letting him get a complete sentence out of his mouth without yelling "You suck!" or "That was hilarious!" or "Nice try!". It was made easier by the fact that he was wearing a sweater that looked like something Bill Cosby wore in 1987.

The best part was when Tony told me that he can be funny about anything and asked me for a topic. Naturally, I picked something not funny at all – abortion. I jumped all over Tony for not being funny before finally getting back on stage and explaining to him that he had no punchlines and should never heckle anyone, especially at an open-mic.

I doubt that he learned his lesson but it was an amazing feeling to take out a heckler by putting him on stage and watch him go down in flames.