San Antonio, TX

Remember the Alamo!

This is an old joke but it is true. The Alamo area still consists of about 200 white people surrounded by thousands of Mexicans.

Other than that, there is not much to San Antonio other than a man-made riverwalk shopping area, rude homeless people and, drum roll please, an animatronic Davey Crockett!

In case you did not know, the Alamo was a mission used by the Mexican Army to control the Texas territory. This was a time when, in a strange twist of irony, the Americans were considered the illegal immigrants -- in Mexico. Rather than establish themselves by roofing and cutting people’s lawns, the American rebels took over the Alamo. This really ticked off the Mexican dictator, General Santa Anna, who called himself the Napolean of the West. I guess this was because he was short and crazy. So in February 1836, Santa Anna decided to bring over 6,000 troops to attack the Alamo to make a statement that he would not tolerate such uprisings. The 200 American defenders held their ground, using slogans like “Victory or death”. A local beer company would like you to believe they had other slogans, too.

This group included Jim Bowie, the knife guy, and Davey Crockett, king of the wild frontier. The Americans stood their ground but were obviously overwhelmed. Their heroic legacy is known worldwide as taking the ultimate sacrifice for freedom and eventually led to the Texas Revolution a few months later.

Now to the rude homeless people. They are ridiculous. The first night I was in the city, I saw a homeless lady reading a newspaper. I thought you were supposed to use newspapers for blankets. I also thought that if you can read a newspaper, maybe you should find a job.

And everyone is asking for spare change. One time, while talking to a friend on my cell phone, a guy interrupts me with, “scuse me. Scuse me. Do you have a nickel?” A nickel? I told him, “All I’ve got is a quarter. Do you have change?”

On a serious note, the Rivercenter Comedy Club was a lot of fun even though they decorate for Christmas like they have seen a real Christmas Tree.

It was nice that the Notre Dame Alumni Club came to the show, too. Here I am with comedian J.R. Brow and the club members.

Humvee with Environmental License Plates!

This is pretty amazing. Someone emailed this picture they took of a Humvee that actually had environmental license plates! How big of a hypocrite is this? In case you would like to hear my joke about this exact thing, check out my video here.

Bear's Place

Ah, Bear’s Place in Bloomington, IN. This is such a fun room because the IU college kids make a great crowd. I performed with Mark Klein who is another clean comedian that has been doing stand-up for a long time. The campus was buzzing more than usual because they had just won the Old Oaken Bucket Football Game, beating rival Purdue 27-24, assuring them their bowl game since 1993.

INtake Weekly Feature Article

INtake Weekly did a feature article on me today. I even got to go to the Indianapolis Star offices and stand on some cubicles for a photo shoot. Here are some of the pictures taken by Danese Kenon (The Indianapolis Star).

Open-mic Heckler

The open-mic shows are never intended to be really good shows. They are used by comedians to get more experience or try new material. One of my biggest pet peeves is when some ignorant moron decides to heckle a comedian, especially during an open-mic.

That is exactly what happened tonight.

The crowd consisted of about 70 people, most of which were there to see a guy going up for the first time. They were not really interested in anyone else that came up so the show suffered. Right before I was about to go on, a guy (ends up his name is Tony) in the audience decides to heckle a newer comedian. He tells the kid that he sucks and calls him a coward for not wanting to engage in a verbal battle. The comedian then introduces me and it couldn’t have played out any better.

I ask Tony what his problem is and why he would ever heckle, let alone at an open-mic. Tony then tells me that he could show me how comedy should really be done. So I called him out and brought him to the stage. I then proceeded to sit in the front row and heckle him to no end. I was absolutely ruthless, not letting him get a complete sentence out of his mouth without yelling "You suck!" or "That was hilarious!" or "Nice try!". It was made easier by the fact that he was wearing a sweater that looked like something Bill Cosby wore in 1987.

The best part was when Tony told me that he can be funny about anything and asked me for a topic. Naturally, I picked something not funny at all – abortion. I jumped all over Tony for not being funny before finally getting back on stage and explaining to him that he had no punchlines and should never heckle anyone, especially at an open-mic.

I doubt that he learned his lesson but it was an amazing feeling to take out a heckler by putting him on stage and watch him go down in flames.

San Fracisco Trip

After doing a show at Gold Country Casino in Oroville, CA, I was able to stop at In-N-Out, the greatest fast food restaurant in the country.

Then I took a few days to visit my brother in Berkeley, CA. He is on the Cal football staff so I was able to watch them prepare for their game that weekend against usc. It was pretty easy for me to be excited about this game because I really don’t like usc.

The highlight of the game was watching the Cal student section “card stunts”, where, during halftime, each member of the student section holds up a colored panel to make a patterned design. My favorite one was when the student section spelled out usc and then slowly changed the “s” to a dollar sign. Classic.

After the game, I was invited to go to a reception in the Cal Athletics Hall of Fame. Adam Duritz, lead singer for Counting Crows, was there since he is a Cal alum and famous, so he gets what he wants on campus. The other cool thing in the Hall of Fame was the trombone smashed during “The Play” (video). As a former trombone player in the Notre Dame Marching Band, this was genuinely cool to see.

While I was in Berkeley, a container ship struck a support for the Bay Bridge and spilled 58,000 gallons of oil into the San Francisco Bay. Anyone driving near the Bay received a warning to stay away from the water. I thought it was interesting that they had to define ingest for those that were tempted to drink black water with “toxic goo”. Yes, that is what they were officially calling it.


I guess I should finish on a positive note, so here is something that everyone should do once in their life: walk the Golden Gate Bridge during sunset. It was a little cold but what an amazing view.

The Bob & Tom Radio Show (again)

I made another appearance on The Bob & Tom Show this morning with comedian Tim Wilson. Tim plays the guitar and his songs take up a lot of time, so I wasn’t able to get in too many jokes. I decided to go with quality over quantity, so what I did say was funny. My new favorite joke about EZ Girls seemed to get a really good laugh.

Wabash College

If you have never seen a comedy show in a chapel, then you weren't at Wabash College tonight where I performed with Tim Cavanaugh. Wabash is a small, all-male, liberal arts college in Indiana. Thank goodness it was Parents' Weekend to try to level out the testosterone levels. There was still plenty of stomping, which is expected when a bunch of guys get together. Everyone seemed to like my act except for maybe the backup punter. He didn't like being compared to flag girls in a marching band.

Washington, DC

Visiting Washington, DC is fun and frustrating at the same time. There are so many things to do that you will never get bored but there never seems to be enough time to cover it all.

If you think going the airport is creepy due to the security issues, maybe Washington, DC isn’t for you. The entire city is on lockdown, which makes sense after you think about it. It is the Capitol after all. There are police cars on every other corner with plenty of cops floating around. Don’t confuse them with the homeless crackheads that are also everywhere.

When visiting Washington, DC, make sure your digital camera is fully charged and you have comfortable shoes. It is impossible not to walk around that city without taking pictures at every block you come to. There are so many landmarks and historical buildings, my brain hurt from learning so much.

Here are a few fun facts:

- The Library of Congress was originally burned by the British so Thomas Jefferson sold the US Government his personal library for $24,000. Way to stick it to the man, Thomas.

- When it was built in 1884, the Washington Monument was the tallest building in the world. It is made entirely of stone and at 555 feet, is only 75 feet shorter than the Gateway Arch. The monument is shaped like an Egyptian obelisk, which means big phallic structure that is sure to make every man insecure.

- The National Portrait Gallery’s 3rd Floor is the Great Hall. At one time, this was the largest room in America and was the site of Abraham Lincoln’s 2nd Inaugural Ball. The gallery also houses the American President portraits. The George Washington artist is about 200 years late but this is the image used for the dollar bill.

- Abraham Lincoln died in a boarding house on April 15th. Word is that he didn’t have to mail in his taxes that year.

- You can actually buy Confederate money at The Lincoln Memorial. This only confuses people from the South because they think it is some sort of a currency exchange program for “Yankee money”.

- The White House did not get its name because all the US Presidents have been Caucasian. In order to cover up the burning the British had done, the natives whitewashed the building so it wouldn’t be called The Black House. Somebody get Jesse Jackson on the phone.

DC Improv Comedy Club

I am performing at The DC Improv with Jake Johannsen and Chris White this week. It is a great club and the crowds have been fantastic. My college friend Jim and his friend Chris came to the show tonight. Jim is a pretty funny guy so I felt a little extra pressure since he was there. Luckily the show went really well so he continues to be one of my biggest fans.

(Chris, me and Jim)

Appearance on The Bob & Tom Radio Show

Here is an edit from my appearance on The Bob & Tom Radio Show this morning. The other guest is comedian Mike MacRae. Here are two different segments from the show.

Part 1



Part 2 (I think this segment is funnier)

Kenton, OH

Kenton, OH seems like a normal Midwestern city until you notice the Buckeye Firearms store located in the town square next to a tanning salon and Domino's Pizza.

Then I found out they have an annual event that draws over 10,000 people from across the world that they claim "has been one of the most exciting annual events in the Midwest". It used to be called the Kenton National Coon Dog Field Trial but recently changed the name to... drum roll, please... Kenton National Flea Market and Festival. Unbelievable. Granted most of the people that would attend a coon dog festival would also attend a flea market but is it really necessary to make it a national flea market?

If you pass through a trailer park with one farm house on the way to Kenton, you could be in Jumbo, OH.

Newport News, VA

Cozzy's Comedy Club will never have a show like this one. Can you believe these three guys even have a sense of humor let alone can make total strangers laugh?

- John Betz, Jr. teaches Algebra with a degree from Duke;
- John Garrett was a CPA with a degree from Notre Dame;
- Mark Reiss studying Neuroscience at William & Mary.

Someone in the crowd took this picture so I figured I would show you the proof that I was there.

Branson, MO (round 2)

I really don’t like Branson. Period. So much so that I cannot put it into words. Branson is a glamorous karaoke town. It is where American Idol performers will go to retire in ten years.

Unfortunately for me, the crowds do not like originality and creativity. In case you have never been to Branson, here are some pictures for you to get a feel for what it is like. Feel free to click on the pictures to enlarge them.

Chicago, IL

I had a really fun week performing at Zanies Downtown Chicago with Dan St. Paul. Zanies has been around for a very long time so it was nice to perform at such an established comedy club. It was nice to have my friends Tim, Dave, Chad, Lisa, and Paul at the shows.

Mark the Beer Guy even came to a show. It’s not often that someone in the crowd gives me one of their trading cards.

Milwaukee, WI

It was a lot of fun coming back to Milwaukee. I started my comedy career in Milwaukee, so it was nice to have friends come to the shows to see the new jokes. I would like to thank Gloria and Dave, Joel, Randy, Todd and Kristen, Vimal, and Sharon for coming to Giggles.

I knew the weekend was going to be good when I passed the Raminator on the highway. I had never heard of this before but anything that has a metal ram head with red eyes has to be cool.

Then I saw that the Raminator was a 4-time national champion. I'm not sure at what but that sounds impressive.

Wardrobe Change

Based on the urging of comedian Tim Bedore, I wore a tie on stage this weekend at The Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria, IL. Tim's thinking was that it made me look more like an accountant on stage.

I was concerned that the tie might come across as too formal, so I loosened it a bit and rolled up my sleeves. The crowd reaction didn't seem to change. As a matter of fact, not a single person asked me if I was really an accountant because they all believed it.

Maybe my tie will be my new signature. Drew Carey has his glasses, Steve Martin has his suspenders, Jay Leno has his chin and now I have my tie.

Dayton, OH

What is the appropriate response when someone asks you to sign their head after a comedy show? I didn't know, either. It seemed a little odd but I guess that is the least I can do for a guy that thought my set at Wiley's Comedy Club was funny. So, thank you Erik (aka "Unkle") for being a comedy fan. I hope that washes off eventually.


("Unkle" with signatures from Tim Bedore and me)

Branson, MO

I am in Branson, MO this entire week and have seen some of the craziest things. I have seen more guys wearing t-shirts with their sleeves ripped off in one week than I have in the last three years combined. Unbelievable. Maybe they could take some of the money spent on a show ticket and go buy some t-shirts with sleeves.

There is a guy that performs nightly at The Golden Corral buffet restaurant. That has to be the worst gig ever.

The best show I saw in Branson was SIX, a group of brothers that provide all the percussion and harmony with their voices and no CD track or band. They sang everything from U2 to The Beach Boys to Amazing Grace.

The other shows I went to were:

- Best of Motown (they really need a comedy writer),

- Legends (the Britney Spears impersonator was skinnier and a better singer than the real Britney),

- Yakov Smirnoff (old people love this guy as much as he loves America) and

- Magic of Darren Romeo (made Jeff Gordon's NASCAR car appear and then disappear, which was impressive).